Goin' Nuts

Ok, so I had a momentary lapse in my already thread bare sanity involving school. In that I don't GET it!

Ok, so they're willing to work with me, I'll hang in there a little longer.

In other news, I am now actively seeking out active duty once more. I need to get out of the 'rent's house and on my own two feet again. And I need a steady income. going active duty, even as an E4 is better then the pay I'm making now. And I might be so lucky as to land Fort Carson Colarado or Fort Lewis Washington. I just learned that I get to pick my duty station if I go. I'll keep my options open, but I think I might stick to the western states. I've grown fond of them.


Shameless Linkage

I found a couple new webpages that I like. Protest Warrior, which is a group that goes to various left wing protests and kind of demonstrates against them. Their mission pretty much states the way that I believe, as any other good conservative might believe. I wish they were more in my area, I would definitely love to take part!

The other group is Communists for Kerry, who has a secret agenda themselves. See, they aren't really communists, and they don't like Kerry. They act a lot like Protest Warrior in that they go into these groups and paint blatant pictures that if you look closely, you would realize that they are actually against Kerry.

Haha, gotta love these guys *snickers*. I have to pass on joining any group under the guise of Communists for Kerry, however, mainly due to the fact that having something like that on my record might be taken for something it isn't.

Just to satiracal websites. Gotta love it. Mostly I gotta love this ambush on the Today Show by Protest Warrior! Forget the two anchors in the foreground, just watch those people in the background! You can't miss that blatantly obvious sign and its message, portrayed to Millions on NBC!

Third site that I have to pimp for a couple of reasons, one because its another blog, and two, he knows the definition of Blue Falcon (one of my favorite terms). And oh does he speak my mind!

I'll be adding more links to my sidebar as I find them, along with other things that catch my interest.


Political Musings

You know, I'll admit it.

The more I listen to current events, the more I like Bush. The man has faults, but I can't fault his character. And the way he is handling the whole Kerry Fiasco while Kerry tries to draw him into his flailing mess, Bush just sits back and acts professionally.

My mind was made up about three months ago on who I would vote for, it has been clenched in stone now.

If you're not outraged, then you're not paying attention

I don't know who said that first, or what they said it about, but it is a true statement. Maybe because I'm one of those people that does give a damn about what's going on around me and angered because I feel powerless to stop it.


Anyway, I've been coming off a dry spell, one of those things where you want to draw something, but you can't becuase your burned out? Well, I'm no longer burned out. I've got an idea for a painting now, I'll post it as I work on it. I think I'm going to make a .gif of it as I go, see if I can make it work. It'll probably load to slow for most dial up connections though. I probably won't get on it for another couple of weeks.

The rain is really soothing right now. Its been raining off and on for the last few days. There is something about the rain that really does soothe me. Maybe becuase I'm such an angsty person sometimes.

Now I guess I better post something and do some homework online. I've got to post at least five times a week, on top of doing assignments. I don't know if I'm going to really like this style of teaching or not, I'm kind of sketpical at this point. Regardless, I'm going to do the best I can for this next four weeks and see if I can get it done. Three credits in five weeks. A business degree. I'm not sure how fond I am of business to tell you the truth, it was never something that really appealed to me before and I kind of got talked into it.

Truthfully, though business is not really my thing, the main reason for going back is because I really did need to get out of this rut I'm in and get back into school. It's been so long of me doing nothing but working at Hastings and sitting on my ass for the rest of the time that I felt I needed to do something productive. A year is actually a long time, come to think about it. It's to long a time to be sitting around doing nothing. I need to do something. I'm going to go about seeing about getting into Eastern Winter Quarter, unless they are on the Semester schedule as well, and I'll see if I can't get in there for the second semester if that's the case.

I really need to see what kind of degree I want to get though. I don't really want a business degree, but it is the most flexible certainly. I can do the most with it but what do I do when I get into a jobfield that I hate?

Its a lose/lose situation for me, at least that's how I feel about the matter 99% of the time.


In non-kerry news. . .

My days will now consist of me going to work, doing homework on the internet, and preparing myself to run. Preparing myself to run generally means thinking about it, planning it, trying to figure out what i need to do to accomplish it, without actually running.

What's more, my knees been bothering me again, and I can't got Airborne unless I can get my knee cooperating again.

Been painting on my easle, because i recently bought this great big easle so that I can throw my anger out on a canvas instead of other mediums (like this blog) and am looking forward to finishing up my mess on my current canvas, which includes fixing up Red, Blue and Brown. I've been working on Brown this last week, personally I think it makes a little more sense, and I was sick of people commenting on one of the figure's leg and asking if it were a penus.

No it is NOT! It's a leg! That is all.

Now I will go back to casually thinking about the rest of my course. And I really need to mail that letter back to get my medical financed. And get my financial aid deferred. And talking to Matt about getting the army to pay for the rest of my schooling *the bastards*

It's to late to send the last letter to Michalski. I knew I should have mailed it right away (blast it all)

That is enough blathering for now.


Comes With A Warning

WARNING: I will be ranting about election matters for the next 70 days, you have been warned. . .

More Democratic Hypocracy as far as I can tell.

No matter what any of the republicans say or do, the democrats seem to just fillet them alive with any libel and slander they can think of.

They call on Bush to denounce the SwiftBoat Ad. He denounces all 527 ads, putting the Democrats on the defensive. Now they accuse him of not acting fast enough.

They say they found a flier in a GOP headquarters building in Florida, but everything about that Flier proves that it was planted BY THE DEMOCRATS!!!

And let's talk about links to 527 Groups, shall we?

The Democratic Party is partnering with MoveOn.org, People for the American Way, Campaign for America's Future, and dozens of other groups representing millions of Americans to organize a massive public mobilization.

Can we say, partnership of the DNC with 527s???????? HYPOCRACY HYPOCRACY!!!

Democrats are all for the Freedom of Speech. Oh, the Swifties put out a damaging book based on eyewitness fact which is supurbly documented, LET'S BAN IT!

Wait, none of these men served on John Kerry's boat meaning they didn't serve with John Kerry! None of their words matter!

Oh, this Rood fellow gives a crediting account to John Kerry, except for one minor discrepency. HE WAS ON ANOTHER BOAT!!! But because his account favors John Kerry, we'll accept it as gospel. Except for his account actually CONFIRMS Unfit for Command rather then dispel it!

And the media is just rolling over this? The media is jumping all over Kerry's bandwagon and ignoring the facts, that all of this would be resolved if Kerry would sign a DD Form 180 and release his military records, just like they hounded Bush to do for so long. And Bush wasn't even running on his records! Kerry is! Becuase Kerry made it such an issue, I say release his records.

That, and I'm curious as to where Kerry was from '70-'72, when he was supposedly in the NAVAL RESERVE!!! Bush going AWOL??? That's what the democrats are saying. It looks like Kerry was doing the same!

MEDIA BIAS, MEDIA BIAS! It's written all over the place. Everyone is attacking Bush and throwing this back in Bush's face when it has NOTHING TO DO WITH BUSH! This is a personal issue between the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and John Kerry.

Amazing how a little grass roots effort who has had one major political donor linked to Bush (and about a few thousand others contributing anywhere from $5-$1,000) when you can't ignore the links to the Democrats and the 527s everywhere you look. And they've thrown at least $60 million at Bush. These Swifties have thrown about $500,000 at Kerry. And the Media just rolls over like they're Kerry's lap dog. Tells you one reason why I don't bother with the media. I read what they have to say, I read the swifties counterpoint, and I can't help but see the facts laying blaringly obvious in front of me. Believe me, I entered this fray with an open mind and looking at all sides of the issues.

What about Micheal Moore? He's classified as a 527 and he's got prime seating at the Democratic National Convention!

What burns me up about this mess is the blatant hypocracy shown by the democratic party towards this.

These men are not about republicans or democrats. They are about one thing only. Exposing John Kerry. Their evidence is pretty intense, if people would just take a moment and look at it. (people being MainStreamMedia)

I dare anyone and everyone to read through Unfit for Command with an open mind, take it for what it is, and you might find yourself surprised. This is Kerry's word against theirs. And Kerry's word is turning more and more discredited. But the Media won't see that. They have stood by their word. Kerry has not. His story has only changed half a dozen times. I can not see past this, I will continue to rant about it until it is viewed in an objectional manner and taken seriously.

I think the office of the presidency deserves at least that. If they can test Bush and rake him over the coals over the smallest little discrepency, they should do the same with Kerry.

SIGN THE 180 Kerry! What are you trying to hide from us?

The Latest on Lurking News

I haven't been doing a whole lot lately, mostly lurking. I don't usually follow news stories very much but I have been following the Swift Vets story very closely, and until I get a solid story from the Kerry campaign refuting their claims, instead of just trying to make excuses and retell their story five different ways (all together now, everyone say CAMBODIA!), all I've been doing is lurking at the Swift Vets forum and surfing the net for anything I can find about this whole mess.

I personally think it is a valid argument against Kerry's character. He keeps telling us about how he plans on making things better as president, I have so far failed to hear what those plans might be. The man has no story to stand on. The democrats were fools for electing him.

They would have been far better off with Dean or even Lieberman (i happen to really LIKE Lieberman and if he had gotten the nomination, I would still be undecided and probably would have ended up voting for him).

I still stand by my statement that I hate Politics. But I have an intense interest in it.

Right now, anybody who says their voting for John Kerry due to ABB (anybody but bush), is a flippen' idiot. And I will stand by those words. I honestly don't care if those words are directed at friends of mine or people I know. Most people I know who are voting for Kerry are due to their intense dislike for Bush or that they are just plain yellow dog democrats (ignorant son of a bitches).

If they are voting for Kerry because they are voting for Kerry, then I take that back. But I don't see how anybody who dwelves into this story can possibly vote for John Kerry after the overwhelming evidence against him. Unless they happen to be taking the Media's word for it. And we all know how trustworthy the Media can be. *blah!*

I can't see how anybody can actually want John Kerry to be president. And yes, I have read the Swiftee's book. I would suggest reading it before you discredit it. Like most of the news media has not been doing.



I have a mission now. A mission in which I need to stay motivated beyond all costs to get myself into peak shape so that I can earn my wings.

Apparently, due to the fact that the US army is stretched pretty thin, slots for Airborne School are up in the yingyang and anybody who can pass the physical and wants a shot at earning those wings can try to get them. Even folks in Army Reserve Units with no Airborne Slots.

So now, on my blog, I will post a little icon, which includes a message to myself, so that I can remember what my goal is.

My goal is to pass Airborne School. In order to pass Airborne School, I need to get myself into top physical condition before I go. That means I need to get my ass up in the morning to run every day.

I want this, I can do this, i just got to keep myself motivated long enough to make it happen. If i'm lucky, maybe I can get one of those slots in November or December. . . I just gotta keep myself in check to do so.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!


Scourge of Politics

I guess I better watch what I say or else this will be a political blog, but I really can't help myself.

I feel that Kerry has been digging his own grave, and the democrats were fools for nominating him as their choice for presidential candidate. The man has no morals, no backbone, and apparently he's starting to break under pressure. I can't help but laugh at this pathetic attempt for him to defame one of the few 527 groups that seems to be working against him.

From a 527 group that has an agenda that for once appears to be personal rather then political.

I've been watching the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth for about a month now, more so recently then ever before. I even bought their book.

Even if half of what they say is true and the other half is bogus, I am fearful of seeing this man elected as my Commander in Chief. The whole thing is his fault however, it was his decision to run for president based on his fishy Vietnam Service Record as opposed to actual concrete actions in his Senate Career, mostly because his Senate Career is a joke.

I guess he thought he could rely on people's adament hatred for President Bush to pull him through. The problem is, anybody voting for a candidate because they hate the other candidate shouldn't be wasting America's time by voting so ignorantly (and I feel a lot of people I know are voting this way). What does John Kerry have to prove for himself? Nothing!

What does Bush have to prove? Well, at least I can say he is a man of his word, he does what he says he will do. Maybe he didn't tell us all the truth, but I don't think he outright lied to the American People. I can respect Bush, I can't say the same for Hanoi John Kerry.

And being a member of the military, Kerry's actions following his service in Vietnam is really striking a chord with me, and it ain't one he should be striking. And I have a feeling if a lot of other Veterans look closer at him and his record, they would see the same.

I think that's what's happening now.


More News from the Political Front

Please pass this by if you don't want to be forced into thinking about how to vote this upcoming election. . .

Kerry is blasting the groups Swift Boat Veterans For Truth for their 'smear campaign' against him, as the fact that their book 'Unfit for Command' has become a best seller and they can't be exactly ignored anymore like the media has been doing left and right.

So, basically Kerry is saying that the Swift Vets don't have a right to voice their opinion on what is going on in the Kerry Front, however, obviously Kerry gives Micheal Moore box seats at the Democratic National Convention which is basically stating that Micheal Moore has every right to put a smear record on the Bush front. Moore's movie Fahrenheit 9/11 is a documentary on the conspiracy theories that Micheal Moore believes is going on in the Bush White House. So he has documented claims.

So does the Swift Boat Vets, in fact they were eye witnesses to what went on in VietNam. They have already forced Kerry to come clean about his lies in being in Cambodia in Christmas (which was a pretty big lie if you ask me), which makes me want to ask, what else did Kerry lie about? It sounds like he has been lying about a lot of things. And putting a big fat smear record on our vets after he got back is something I'm not about to forgive him for.

If Kerry wants to silence the Swift Vets for their Smear Campaign, he better do the same thing to MoveOn.Org, which means silencing a person's freedom of speech.

This looks like blatant hypocracy to me.


Meet Chuck

So, what's the news today?

I signed into school yesterday, so I'm preparing to start this next week. Its just a general business class, kind of expensive considering the thing's going to cost me about $700, but its a start to getting back into school. I'm going through University of Pheonix for now, they've got me started on a business degree, maybe this will buy me some time before I transfer to Eastern later, or else maybe the army will have some more definite news for me.

All I have to do is finish the Financial Aid and get a letter from my commander (I'm not really counting on this) but I only have to take the class for two days and the rest is all online. I'm not sure how much I'm going to like this format to tell you the truth. I'm really bad at doing things correspondance and I actually like to be in school full time.

I guess I'm having second thoughts but we'll see!

Meanwhile, totally revamped Creature so that it kind of mirrors this site.

I've gotten some positive feedback from it so far, it was a bit boring before, being all white and blah. I kind of like the look now.


Such a Dirty Sport

I'm feeling a little frustrated lately in regards to my personal and political beliefs. I wish I didn't feel so strongly about politics, but I do. And it drives me crazy.

See, I could never be a politician myself. I would never want to hold an office like that and preside over any part of the country. I second guess myself to much. But I wish more people would think before they voted.

My main problem with this current presidential election is I feel to many people are voting for Kerry because they don't like Bush. I personally think that this is a bullshit reason for voting for anybody. If you vote against somebody without researching the person you're voting for, you may vote a worse person into office.

I've done my research on both candidates, and quite frankly, I'm not going to tell people how to vote. that's up to them. But bloody hell! There are so many people who have this personal vengeance against Bush that they feel anybody is better then him!

Has anybody done any research on Kerry? I mean, where does this man stand on any issue? The thing is, he doesn't! I don't get it!

I posted a rather angsty and angry post in my live journal about John Kerry in the hopes that somebody would reply to me or at least give me a good debate on who John Kerry is, as everyone in my livejournal will probably be voting along the left of the ticket this fall. I had one biter, who didn't really even comment along the lines that I wanted to.

Are people so ignorant these days to just turn a blind eye to what is going on around them? I don't get LiveJournal because half the time I don't know what to write there, sometimes people will actually post replies to what I have to say and half the time I just feel like everyone is to chicken to take me up on something. Which is one of the reasons I just go off and privatize most of my entrees, because I don't see the point of posting there. I saw LiveJournal as a possibility for a debate forum, and though I never really got into debate in highschool, about htis time of year I enjoy getting into some really heated discussions on politics that will cause at least somebody to think. I don't know, if I got at least one person on my LJ to think about what I said, maybe it wasn't such a waste afterall to alienate the rest of them.

I guess politics can be a dirty sport.


Today At Work. . .

Today at work was probably the most interesting day I've had in a long, long time. And I was only there for five hours.

We had a guy stuff a shirt down his pants (when Monika told us that what he was doing, I thought she said he was whacking off to the porn!) and his crack head girlfriend tried to sell our movies back to us. They were still in the wrapping, the tags were just visibly torn off.


They also didn't schedule any front end associates. All day. So it would have just been me on a friday until the next manager came in. So we called in a surplus amount of people from another store and got them to work. We got so much crap taken care of! Damn it felt good!

When I was in the office, I took a phone call and decided to help the guest with a movie, when I stepped back to look on the computer, I tripped over a box and fell on my ass, dropped the phone and made a pretty good mess. I laughed at myself after it. It feels good to laugh.

Oh, and we gave out free ice cream, like we did last friday, but nobody wanted it. Last Friday, everyone was renting movies because it was so miserable out. And because it was so cold, nobody would take our free icecream that we were handing out on Fridays through the month of August. Today it was so hot out that nobody wanted to rent movies. So I think we got stuck with more ice cream.

I had two ice cream sandwiches myself. They weren't that great, and were kind of melting all over the place, but hey! They were free!

And I bought a couple of new CDs in support of the CD industry. With them came another free CD and a free Music Video DVD. I couldn't resist. Los Lonely Boys and Evanescence (i finally broke down and bought it, I've been waiting for it to come out used forever, but i kept missing it. And I got a free DVD for buying it new. :|

Then I came home and played Rummy with my mom and brother with Scooby Doo playing cards. Before i went to work, I had found a new Kerry website that makes me loathe the man even more (i hear plenty of the anti bush rhetoric, I wanted to know what the other side had to say)

Politics is just a nasty game. But it's a great site, with lot's of good jokes!


Needs Something. . .

I need to make more icons. My blog is boring and I need to liven it up a bit. I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I'm going to start using Icons more becuase Icons are fun and they make things more interesting.

That's my unit's motto. I love the bloody dancing hamster, I couldn't resist. Check out my links page and you can blow the hamsters up!

Ignore the fact that the hamster seems to be humping the words.


Greatest Quote Ever

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing in which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important then his personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made so and kept so by the exertions of better men then himself."
John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)


Oh The Agony!!!

It's getting to be that time of week again.

Yes, that time of week where I sit on my ass and make a list of things I need to do. In fact, I need to make a list of things I need to do for tomorrow. There really isn't a whole lot of things I need to do, just a few things. And because lists really retain no interest to anyone other then myself, I'll attempt to keep it short. And then I'll find something else to talk about.
  • Call Hospital financing place and see if they ever got my bills covered.
  • Call Physicians Union and do the same as above (pay off if necessary, all I need now is some collections agency after my ass)
  • Buy an Easle (my one last splurge, I promise, since Chuck was such an impulse)
  • Call a certain colonol in the military. I won't name names, but if I can get an answer from this person that I want, I will scratch the above note.
  • Find out about this travel voucher I just got and find out if it is correct, becuase it sure don't sound right.
  • Clean the room (I have come to notice that this makes every list I do.)
  • revamp Creature, so it mirrors this website (kind of like what I did with Magic

Like I said, a rather short little one.

Meanwhile, I'm having issues trying to talk some sense into my conscience. See, I know I don't always act like I am, but I am rather compassionate at heart. I can easily bash a generic person(like a faceless one), but I am not confrontational and I'm very sympathetic to people in sincere need. especially if I can relate.

Like, the other day I had to get something taken care of on my qwest bill and I called in a little upset. I chewed the person on the phone out and I felt deeply ashamed of myself later. When I blow up on people, it really gnaws on me for days at a time, unless they were a complete jackass and truely deeply deserved it. But I mean, sometimes I can be a heinous bitch and I do not like myself afterwards. Why do I have to be like that?

But I'm a total softy too. I can be very giving and compassionate if I want to be. The only problem is, when I was younger, I was so to a fault. And I got taken advantage of and withdrew because of it, so it makes me so hesitant to help somebody who really does need the help. How can I really give of myself and help somebody without being taken advantage of again? It feels good to help, but it hurts when somebody stabs you in the back, or worse, doesn't even notice your efforts?

I hate these dilemmas I must suffer with myself.

*meanwhile, I'm thinking of adding my archives back on, only to notice that my archives aren't working. Blast it all*


My First Gun Show

This morning, around 7ish. . .

Me - zzz. . .
Phone - *ring ring!*
Me - *picks up phone* "'ello"
Jared - "Hey Kami, you awake?"
Me - *grunt*
Jared - "What are you doing today?"
Me - "I have to pick up something at nine. Why?"
Jared - "Wanna go to a gun show with me today?"
Me - *grunt* "maybe. I'm kind of asleep, why don't you ask me later."

At around 8:30, I finally woke up, and got talked into going into a gunshow. Never been to one before.

Four hours later, I came home with an AK-47 to go with the ammo that was given to me (yes, I bought a rifle to match my ammunition), and a membership to a magazine called Woman's Outlook, which I must say, has one of the funniest pictures in it I've seen of a woman modeling a rifle slung over her shoulder in a mirror. Kind of like she was thinking to herself "does this Carbine match my sweater?"

Oh, and with it came a one year membership to the NRA.

Hey, what can I say? I like firearms.


Still updating. . .

Little by little, I'll have all these things up. And actually worded right too. . .

My only problem is Norton Internet Security doesn't like to be compatible to my website.


Updated Website

Or at least, I'm in the process of updating it so it's all nice and uniform. Including the Blog, which usually looks different.

Ignore the circle for now. It's kind of a place holder for when I get this thing looking the way I want it to look for now.

My only problem is those little boxes to the left. I honestly don't know what to stick in them. I had this plan and now I don't know if it's going to work or not. I guess I'll figure it out later.

For now, well, my site is slowly but surely being updated so it looks better.

Now the main question of the day. What should I call it? becuase I don't want to call it risawn.com.


Catchin' Up

Well, onto my 'to do' list, which consists of a lot of little things that are really not that important. And the first thing on my list?

Updating the site. I want the entire site to look half way decent and appealing to those people who wish to paruse it. And honestly, in my opinion, it's boring. And ugly.

I've got tomorrow off, and I don't have to be to work until 5 on Friday. If I can do something constructive like Clean the Room on the side, maybe I can get away with updating the layout to my site. As well as adding a few other things.

In other news, I have recently been introduced to something called Red vs Blue, and I'm hooked.


Final Decision for a 'Swing Voter'

I've made a final decision about the upcoming presidential election, considering I was having an issue as to who I would vote for. I can tell you one thing for certain, however.

I will NOT vote for John Kerry. And if he is elected, I will not reenlist. Becuase I think I would have a problem calling this man Commander in Chief.

Bush has plenty of faults, but believe it or not, I think I will take four more years of him then four years of Kerry.

And people have been prone to calling Bush a liar as of late. Kerry's starting to make me want to hurl.


Ok, short mood swing is over

*breathes a large sigh of relief*

Ahhhhhh. . . (bloody monday after nice relaxing vacation)

Posted pictorial evidence of my trip in my LJ, because I posted some of the pictures for the sake of some people on my Friend's List (namely Jes and Sheena, and a few of the more mutual friends between us) as well as some pictures of me doing my army thing.

I'll just refer you to the post, because I won't privatize it any time soon.

Now I'm looking at my list that I posted before I took off for training. *thinking, thinking*

I'll get to that before the week is over. So it's not TOTAL procrastination.

Looking Inward

Well, back from my two and a half week vacation. . . and it feels good to be home.

I always say home is where your stuff is. And I got a lot of stuff.

Anyway, I have some things to bring up about my trip, but some of it will have to wait. I'll have pictures and stuff up later.

Meanwhile, I discovered that I am extremely sensative sometimes. I need to grow a backbone and finally realize that indeed no, the world and everyone else's lives do NOT revolve around me.

Unfortunately, i've gotten used to the fact that often times my participation in events is often times overlooked. The first time it really happened where I noticed it was Senior Year in high school. I participated in this whole Leadership Camp thing where you're supposedly supposed to get really close to these people around you that are in your same group and totally bond.

Well, one thing I had learned back at Leadership Camp is I really don't like myself that much. And apparently other people find me forgetable. When we did a little project, we were given scenerios in which under certain circumstances, we could only have one person in our group do this event with us. There were about a dozen or so people in our group, we were given about a dozen scenerios, and everyone went around the group saying who they would want to be with in case this or this happened.

I guess it was supposed to make you feel good about yourself when other people chose you for whatever reasons due to your strengths or what not. Only one small detail to behold.

My name was not mentioned once by any of the other people throughout the entire excercise. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I guess it's one of those things where a part of you really wants to matter to other people, that you have a purpose to the rest of the world and your interaction actually means something.

I continually doubt myself, I don't trust myself with people, and I guess I just withdraw because I don't like to find myself in those situations. How did this stark contrast between my child hood, adolescence and adulthood come about? Why is there no consistancies between these three events?

Why do i keep hating myself?